Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
