dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
