Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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