New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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