The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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