ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
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the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
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Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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