his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
