I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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