Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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