I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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