Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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