Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
