I met the friendliest cop last night
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Randomize
