so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
