it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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