"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
