I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
