it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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