All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
