I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
