i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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