I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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