So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
cat food counts as protein by the way
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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