My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
