hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
