Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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