My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
