Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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