my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
