Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
