I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Couch. On fire.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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