I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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