i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize