trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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