I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
