last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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