My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Sober January is a disaster.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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