I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
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