my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
