Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
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I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
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He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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