note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
