i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
