You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
