We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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