the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
