Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
