i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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