Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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