We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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