god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
