My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
