You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
