just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
