my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
