shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
