my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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