Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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