That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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