Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
